Death is painful. Leaves a major void for rest of the life. ‘what would I have done if I knew I wouldn’t have much time with this someone who was one of my closet friends…how I would change my perspective of relationship, how I would value each day, each interaction with my near and dear.
The one message at night when you want to rest after a tiring day, keeping all your night worries away, and the phone light gets on. As always, the curiosity causes to open and check the phone. Even when you know you are not supposed to use the phone at least few hours before sleeping.
When you open the message unread… it gives you a numb feeling. I was in that state… read it twice, thrice, and name, and the statement was shocking.
Just came to know that “SURESH GOPAL NAIR” is no more, passed away sometime back.
WHATTTTT??????? Can someone tell me it was wrongly sent, by wrong name? I take my phone call my friends’ number, and the other side rings, I want it to be picked by my friend. It rings, n rings, and the call is picked. I was expecting the voice I wanted to hear, but I hear some new voice speaking softly. I ask who is this? I am their cousin… what happened I ask? And cousin narrates the story, I can’t stop my tears, I can’t reply, I don’t know what to say?
What happened? He went for a jog, came from his walk, asked for water, drank the water, in few seconds, he spat the liquids and collapsed. It was a major heart attack. Immediately assistance was called, but it was too late. Taken to the hospital, but doctors declared dead in few hrs.
The world has changed for many who did matter to him, whom he mattered. His family has lost the head of the family. His daughter was his pride, all his plans, dreams, his life was about her. Her studies, her holidays, her likes and dislikes. His wife lost her life partner, he would do anything and everything mostly even before she asked.
He was closest to his brother, who was more than a brother, whom is spent his life being together, sharing stuff, a mentor to each other, always their support.
Most important was his mother, she was broken completely. She just was able to get away from the fact she lost her husband, at that time sons stood by her and made her feel ease. But then this news was the never ever they thought of.
The news was spread all over so quickly, thanks to social media, who did the best job. Messages, condolences poured from all corners.
For me it was so difficult to believe. I could not gulp the fact that I can’t call him anymore, he won’t call me to share his jokes, to share his troubles. I can’t boss to him anymore. Our friendship started from the office we were working. He was my boss, and I was reporting to him. he was managing a team of 4 + 6 including me. Very protective of his team. We 4 built a strong bond. Of course, I don’t think there could be anyone who would like their bosses. So, it was same
for me. But then he would make us feel comfortable, would sit and type our emails, especially if we were angry at our clients.
When he left the job, rather was asked to leave, the pain what I felt was terrible, I just felt that suddenly I’m abandoned. Felt I was handicapped, as I was using the protection shield and I lost it. When he was around, no one would comment, no one would question, he was our protection shield all the time.
Yes, during that time I had my share of tears. No, I was not in love with him. But there was some kind of attachment. For me LOVE is only my husband. I did share all these things with my husband, where he made me realize that it’s about my comfort zone feeling that’s making me go through this.
Days passed, we were in touch with each other regular phone calls, whenever he was low, and I was there to support. We would plan our team lunches or dinners even when he was not part of the company. We started talking so much, he found a friend in me, who was chirpy, who could change the moods, be that cribbing, attention seeker and he loved handling all the dramas.
But then he knew very well, I was not that easy to handle, as I’m egoistic, moody. I always have set my boundaries, and I would always get irritated whenever anyone tries to cross it. Those were the times we would stop talking. But every time he would come back with a sorry. And I would accept it as my EGO was pleased with it.
But this year in Jan 2020, it was some reason, to be honest I don’t remember even, we just stopped talking. Well as always, me on my EGO rounds, did not bother to check on him, though other colleagues were updating about him. He never tried to call me, nor contact me through any means. From Jan to June, can say it was absolutely no touch, no existence. And then June month turns to be the worst ever with this shocking news, that he is no more.
What should I feel?
I know it’s easy for anyone to tell, it is love, I never had any such feelings of love, but surely as mentioned previously, he was a boss, who was turned to be a friend. I still call him Sir and will do it for rest.
But a friend who cared for me all the time, supported in everything I wanted to do, never let me pay any food bills, wanted to surprise always on my birthdays or any special days, would never want to miss an opportunity to see me If there was an invite. (we wouldn’t meet regularly it was for some team dinners or emergency stuff only).
I know he went through a lot of chaos during these last few months in his life, where I felt I should have been a good friend, who could be his side, to support him. Tears are flowing while writing all this, but had to do it.
He was my first cheer leader / supporter for my queenbeeszone.com website start.
He always wished me good, always mentioned my husband is lucky (which rarely anyone says) because I’m a dominant equally active in terms of deciding, planning or anything.
At the end, all I can say I miss my dear boss a close friend, forever. Always will have that pain that I did not take efforts to call him or check on him over few months, waited for him to do so?
At the END EGO won, while giving that pain and guilt for me forever.
For sure he would never want to see me crying… so bringing my gorgeous smile back on my face forever and ever.
KEEP SMILING you have a gorgeous smile… this is what he used to say most of the times.
He always wanted me to remember him when I become a star (as he always told I will achieve my fame that I want) … so, this post is dedicated to him… coz he is already become that star, which we cannot reach.
I did not have to struggle to write this article for a change, did not have to check google or did not take any breaks… This was written at a stretch. Even distraction could not change the feelings to write.
Hope he has forgiven me, and hope he can shower his blessings.
Message to all, value your time, relationships, let go off the EGO!!! Coz at the end all that matters how many lives were you able to touch while your living journey. Phone that friend whom you feel like talking, don’t wait for right time. Even a Hello can make a difference. I have learned it through a hard example.
This content is my Tribute to SURESH SIR by making him a part of Queenbeeszone.com forever which is special to me.
Truly will be missed forever. VALUE YOUR FRIENDS